REALLY Connecting With Your Spouse

“Is life going so fast that you can barely connect with your spouse? Like, REALLY connect?  

Introduction:

One of the practices we have implemented since the beginning of our marriage is taking time during the day to prioritize sitting together and discussing life. This may sound simplistic, but in the midst of work, life, and ministry, sometimes the habit is to go home, watch some TV, and unwind. If we’re not intentional about daily connection and conversation, our relationship suffers, and therefore, everything else suffers. Let’s see how this practice has morphed over the years:

1. When We Had No Kids:

   Before children came along, Brad and I took time to eat lunch together. We had the same work schedule and worked at the same place, so our times aligned beautifully for conversation as newlyweds. People could tell we were twitterpated and completely enthralled with one another, so they left us alone. It’s quite automatic when you’re in love and have just gotten married—you WANT to spend time dreaming and being together. But as the newness wears off, we must keep the intentionality that was organic before and build it into our ever-changing schedules.

2. When Kids Came Along:

   We heard somewhere that couples with kids needed “couch time,” a time when Mom and Dad sit down and connect after a busy workday. In our case, Brad would be out working and I would be home with the babies. I planned my time so that when he got home, I could have that adult conversation with him that I craved so much, and I could fill him in on all the goings-on at home. As the babies became toddlers, I taught them to play on their own for the 15 minutes that Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch catching up. If you need help knowing how to do this, read my book “Wisdom for Parenting your Littles”. Super practical and a quick read!

   That sounds idyllic, right? The reality is that there were tears involved as we would finally sit down and start talking and then... “Mama, mama, mama, mama,” or “Daddy, let me show you my art!" Teaching them they could show us or ask us or tell us “in just a few minutes when Mom and Dad are done talking” was not a welcome concept for the kids at first. After all, the world and this whole family revolve around the toddlers, right? Nope. “Mama and Daddy are going to chat FIRST and then you can have time showing us things. You can practice patience for a little, go play (XXOO)!

   You know those couples that divorce after 30 years of marriage? This is where that starts. They don’t keep their relationship central. They make it about life and the kids, and after raising them, becoming empty-nesters, and developing careers and separate lives, they wake up one day and don’t really know each other anymore.

3. Once Kids Are School Age:

   Once the kids grew a bit, we decided to have Coffee Time instead of Couch Time. Brad’s work schedule had changed, and it was better in this season of life to get up before everyone else did and enjoy our uninterrupted time FIRST. What this did for us is that, now that the kids knew our marriage was a priority, WE gave each other time FIRST, reminding us that WE are a priority.

   I know that sounds redundant, but hear me out. When your kids are now able to bathe, dress, and feed themselves, it’s too easy to get distracted by other work and responsibilities. Training them to do all this without you teaches them independence and self-reliance while Mom and Dad model proper priorities for them. 

4. With Teens and Young Adult Kids:

   We’ll be having coffee at the table, and the other teens or young adults are in the background getting themselves some coffee, sometimes asking if they can join us so they can hear the juicy bits of Mom and Dad planning things for everyone, surprises, and new ministry projects. They want to be a fly on the wall and get insider information. They KNOW this time is strategic; it’s the room where it all happens, and they might just get the opportunity to be present when something big is talked about. At this point, we let them sometimes join us because they’ve always been curious about what we talk about. For their whole life, they’ve seen us make each other a priority in this very practical way, and now they understand why it’s such an important time.

Some resources to help you get started with Couch Time Conversations at home!

Craft your Priority Time with your Spouse:

Here are some engaging conversation starters that couples can use during their "couch time". I know you’ll find some of these helpful as a starting point, but how fun will it be when you fall into a rhythm and this takes on the direction you need for your marriage and life?

• Reflect on Your Day:

  • "What was the highlight of your day today?"

  • "Did anything surprise you today at work or home?

• Future Plans and Dreams:

  • "What is one thing you're looking forward to this week?"

  • "If you could plan a dream weekend getaway, where would it be and why?"

• Understanding Each Other Better:

  • "What's something about me that you discovered recently?"

  • "What's a small daily ritual that makes you feel special?"

• Celebrate Each Other:

  • "What’s something you think we’ve done really well as a couple recently?"

  • "What is one thing you're proud of that we have accomplished together?"

• Discuss Family and Parenting:

  • "How do you feel about how we're balancing family life and personal time?"

  • "What’s one lesson you hope our kids will learn from watching us?"

• Work and Personal Growth:

  • "Is there a new skill or hobby you'd like to explore?"

  • "What do you find most rewarding about your current work or project?"

• Deep Dive:

  • "What are some qualities from your parents’ relationship you want to emulate or avoid in ours?"

  • "Is there something we used to do before that you miss and would like to do again?"

These starters aim to spark meaningful and genuine conversations, helping you cultivate a deeper connection between you and your honey.

I enjoyed watching this Youtube video we made a few years ago, and all the things you hear us discuss here were results of having years' worth of Couch Time or Coffee Time - the connection between us, the topics under discussion, the way we think on a certain topic, has all been discussed over years of connecting! If you haven't already, we invite you to subscribe to our Youtube Channel and explore the Parenting Playlist!

Conclusion:

Couch Time or Coffee Time is all about connecting, like, REALLY connecting, and catching up with each other’s lives. Just remember, it's a moment set aside for warmth and understanding, not for delving into difficult conversations. Save those more challenging discussions for a separate, private time, where you can breathe deeply, thoughtfully work through issues and come to agreements about life and various situations. Happy Connecting!

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